Talking to your kids about puberty and sexuality

Vermilion County Health Department 2003

I. Whose job is it?

II. What should they know, and when?

III. Stages of Development

IV. The 5 Stages of Puberty

V. Hints for talking to your child about sex and puberty

VI. Healthy/Unhealthy Relationships

VII. Parent Guide Definitions

VIII. Websites

IX. The Family Yellow Pages

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One of the most challenging jobs of being a parent may be deciding when it is time to have "The Talk", about body changes and sexuality, and what to actually say. This is a guide for parents. It has been created to help you do what you do best: be a parent.

There are suggestions and ideas to help you talk to your children about body changes and about making healthy decisions and lifestyle choices; there are resources, including some useful websites for you to take a look at. And we left you some room for notes and phone numbers. Keep this booklet handy.

Please find the time to sit down and talk to your children. Be sure to listen as well as talk. Set aside any feelings of embarrassment or discomfort. Share information, and share your family values. It is the
combination of information and family values that will help your
child understand, learn, grow, and make good choices.

If you have questions, concerns, or suggestions, please let us know. Contact Linda Bolton, Jenny Trimmell, or Melissa Bodensteiner at the Vermilion County Teen Pregnancy Coalition, c/o Vermilion County Health Department, 431-2662.

A Parent's Guide II has been produced by the Vermilion County Health Department Teen Pregnancy Coalition, in Partnership with the ALL OUR KIDS NETWORK

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• Know correct terms for all sexual body parts
  
• Understand the concept of gender ('boy' and 'girl')
• Know they have the right to say "no" to unwanted touches
• Know where babies come from
• Feel free to ask adults they trust about sexuality
  

By age 10, children may be ready to:

• Know the facts about reproduction in humans and animals
  
• Know how male and female bodies grow and differ
  
• Know that different sexual orientations exist
  
• Know basic facts about AIDS

• Know that human sexuality and sexual feelings are normal
  
• Know what changes to expect in their bodies, including menstruation and 'wet dreams'
  
• Know that sex gives pleasure and can create babies
  
• Know about methods of birth control
  
• Be aware of sexual abuse and sexual exploitation, as well as how to respond to them
  
• Know how sexually transmitted diseases are spread, prevented and treated

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III.

Stages of Development

It may seem like it, but teens do not turn into teens overnight! There are three distinct phases of adolescence covering the teen years:

• Preadolescence (ages 9-13)
  It is usually during this time that children feel disorganized, and their growth is rapid and uneven. They're not quite adolescents yet - their sexual maturity is not fully complete, and they are often referred to as 'tweens', meaning they are 'between' the stages of childhood and teen years.
  Parents of preadolescents may often feel less ready to face the new challenges ahead than even their children. It is normal for parents to feel concern over the number of potentially dangerous situations and substances to which youths are exposed. Parents should meet this stage with as much warmth, fairness, patience, and sense of humor they can muster.
  And as a parent you need to remember the division of 'jobs' - it's the job of your child to test all boundaries to the limits - that's how they grow and learn; it's your job, as a parent, to make sure those boundaries are set and understood by all.
• Middle adolescence (14-16)
  These are the times that try your patience! Children may go ballistic over a few extra pounds, hair that doesn't stay in place, or friends who let them down. During this time, parents may need to take on a variety of roles - most especially one of counselor. You'll be challenged with trying to face your child's raging hormones and their desire for independence while maintaining your sense of humor, wisdom, warmth, affection, and positive communication.
• Late adolescence (17-20)
  This is often a time of decision-making. Teens are beginning to grow more independent, preparing to leave home at a time when parents are facing their own life-changes. It is at this time when 'authority' with children is usually re-defined and there is a gradual shift toward economic and emotional independence, and the creation of a new relationship. This is the time in your relationship with your child when you both may gain new respect for each other, as you move toward the 'friendship' stage in your relationship with your child.

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IV.

The 5 Stages of Puberty

Girls

Age Range: Usually 8-11. There are no outside signs of development, but a girl's ovaries are enlarging and hormone production is beginning.
Age Range: Usually 8-14. The first sign is typically the beginning of breast growth, including "breast buds." A girl may also grow considerable height and weight. First signs of pubic hair start out fine and straight, rather than curly.
Age Range: Usually 9-15. Breast growth continues, and pubic hair coarsens and becomes darker. Her body is still growing and her vagina is enlarging and may begin to produce a clear or whitish discharge, which is a normal self-cleaning process. Some girls may start their periods.
Age Range: Usually 10-16. Pubic hair growth takes on the triangular shape of adulthood, but doesn't quite cover the entire area. Underarm hair is likely to appear in this stage, as is menstruation (menarche). Ovulation (release of egg cells) begins in some girls, but typically not in a regular monthly routine.
Age Range: Usually 12-19. Final stage of development, when a girl is physically an adult. Breast and pubic hair growth are complete, and her full height is usually attained by this point. Menstrual periods are well established, and ovulation occurs monthly. Source: Puberty 101

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Boys

Age Range: 9-12. Male hormones are becoming active, but there are hardly any outside signs of development. Testicles are maturing, and some boys start a period of rapid growth late in this stage.
Age Range: 9-15. Testicles and scrotum begin to enlarge, but penis size doesn't increase much. Very little, if any, pubic hair at the base of the penis. Increase in height and change in body shape.
Age Range: 11-16. Penis starts to grow in length, but not much in width. Testicles and scrotum still growing. Pubic hair starts to get darker and coarser and is spreading towards legs. Height growth continues and body/face shape look more adult. Voice begins to deepen (and crack). Some hair around the anus grows.
Age Range: 11-17. Penis width increases, as well as length. Testicles and scrotum still growing. Pubic hair begins to take adult texture, although covers a smaller area. Most boys have first ejaculation. Underarm hair develops. Facial hair increases on chin and upper lip. Voice gets deeper and skin gets more oily.
Age Range: 14-18. Nearing full adult height and physique. Pubic hair and genitals have adult appearance. Facial hair grows more completely and shaving may begin now or soon.

Source: Puberty 101

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V.

Hints for talking to your child about sex and puberty

~ Walk the walk & talk the talk. Children learn by example, so set the example you want them to follow
~ Reassure them they are normal
~ Build self esteem
~ Respect their privacy
~ Use correct names for body parts and sexual behaviors
~ Use 'teachable moments' whenever they occur - maybe while watching TV or movies with your children, or while driving in the car, start a conversation with your child about something, or someone you know who's pregnant. Find a place to begin, then listen, and talk.
~ Give accurate, honest, short and simple answers. Admit it if you don't have an answer, and ask your child to help you find the answer
~ Listen - don't lecture
~ Talk about your own experiences, and explain your family values
~ Ask questions even if your child doesn't; ask what they already know, and what they think about what you're saying
~ Don't use scare tactics, just the facts. You want to give them the information and the values to make proper choices
~ Be yourself - don't try to be 'with it', or 'cool' - just be mom or dad
~ Be there for your child. Everyone is busy, but children need to know they have adults they can rely on.

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VII.

Parent Guide Definitions

The Female System:

• Anal intercourse - intercourse by way of the rectum
• Oral sex - stimulation of the genitals by partner's mouth and tongue
• Vaginal Intercourse (VAH-jin-ul) - involves a man putting his erect penis into a women's vagina

• Here are some websites that may provide you with additional information about puberty, sexuality and the challenges of being a teenager. If you do not have access to the Internet yourself, visit the Danville Public Library, where they have public access to the Internet, free of charge. Some of the sites are interactive, designed specifically for a teen audience. But we encourage you to view the sites yourself, to determine if they meet your family values and needs, prior to recommending them to your pre-teens. Some of the sites are designed to specifically help you, the parent, with information you may need in talking to your child.
  
  o www.kotex.com user-friendly female health information from your first bra to your first period and on to your first hot flash; enter 'boys' in the search box, and you'll gain insight/information about puberty for males
  o www.playtextampons.com divided out into sections for 'teens', '20-somethings' and 'parents/teachers'; gain info from the site, or sign up for newsletters
  o www.familydoctor.org from the American Family Physician's group, offers lots of information divided up for teens, kids and parents
  o www.pta.org from the National PTA organization, provides general help for parents; special sections on 'Parent Involvement' and 'Help Your Child Succeed' will provide you with general parenting tips, as well as information on puberty and sexuality
  o www.teenalways.com and www.beingirl.com is an interactive site created for teens by teens and sponsored by Always, Alldays, and Tampax; lots of user friendly information divided out for younger or older teens; parents are advised to visit the site before recommending your child visit it
  o www.itsyoursexlife.org the Kaiser Foundation offers a variety of topics targeting older teens, or for use by parents wanting general information, including HIV and STDs, contraception
  o www.talkingwithkids.org help for you to talk to your kids about a wide variety of tough subjects, from sex to HIV, violence, alcohol, etc., resources
  o www.plannedparenthood.org from the Home Page go to Sexuality Education, then to Health Info, where you can get fact/information sheets on STDs, teen sexuality, etc
  o www.teenwire.com sponsored by Planned Parenthood, this is an interactive site aimed at teens with information about teen-related issues; parents may want to preview; the 'Warehouse' contains a variety of topics offered at different levels of maturity
  o www.pamf.org Palo Alto (CA) Medical Foundation offers an a "Teen Health" on their site with major topics including 'Health', 'Life', 'Risky', & 'Sex'; each area offers good information on a variety of sub-topics like sexuality, alcohol, drugs, etc, as well as mental (emotional) health, body image, self esteem; there's also a section for you as you get ready to talk to your kids
  o www.teengrowth.com interactive site offering health/growth/development information along with questions and frank answers; parents may want to view first, or with, their teens
  o www.avert.org sponsored by the International AIDS Education & Research Charity; the Young People's section offers separate questions/answers for Boys and Girls going through puberty
  o www.kidshealth.org from the Nemours Foundation, provides separate pages for parents, teens and kids
  o www.aap.org/family/puberty.htm from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Resource for puberty information for boys and girls
  o www.brainpop.com Interactive website for adolescents with movies and quizzes on health, science, English, and technology
  • www.puberty101.com. from GovTeen., Inc, founded by adolescent Therapist J. Geoff Malta MA, EdM, NCC - provides an open forum for quesitons/answers about puberty; parents may want to preview.

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© Vermilion County Health Department 2001